News From the South

Soit's been a long time. I had the crazy lead up to break with papers to grade, books to finish, meetings to attend and so forth. However, I have been home now, let me clarify, I've been at Mamma home in Georgia, for over a week now. I'm very well rested. Took a lot of walks and slept a whole bunch. Oh and the food was really good. the big news is that I cooked. ALL BY MYSELF. FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER. Whoa. It was good. Not much to report other than I am now ready to leave the South and get back to LALA Land pronto. It's too slow down here for me. Only so much rest an LA girl can take. I have to say though. it's been a nice break from Los Angeles, the noise, the dirt, the helicopters, and all the BS. Odd how you can miss a place you seem to hate after only ten days!
Sorry for the lame post. I'm still on vacay.
Peace out.

Countdown!

Almost on Christmas break! Going home and I'm happy. All I can think about is food, sleep and movies. It's gonna be good.

Where have I been?

Well, I've been busy. It's college recommendations time and I'm soooo popular that I have about 30 recs to write. Argh. I have also been just enjoying my life. School is insane, as our "principal" is pretty much the most unqualified person in the world to be running our school. However, my classes have been wonderful and my fellow teachers, amazing. I have as of late been hanging out with Mr. ATL. He's lovely and Southern and just about the best thing to happen to me since I got the Webster's Unabridged. Life is weird that way. You think that things are done and you're finished and all of a sudden, out of nowhere comes a beacon of hope, and a few people who remind you life is good. Mr. ATL is very involved in my life as of late and it's a pretty nice change. For the first time in a long time I feel as if someone cares. AND, check this out. I COOKED. whoa. I don't think I've done that since 2002. But he made me want to cook, and clean, and relax. I feel as if I haven't really been breathing until now. So that’s it for me. I'm looking forward to the opera (Friday at 8), and a big long Christmas break.

La Boheme

So I must go to this opera. It's here for two weeks only. I must go. I must and I will. So there.
In other news, Sailordude has gone crazy and has stopped calling me. I don't know whether to be worried or mad. We're not together , but I'm not sure why I still expect him to call me. But to drop of the facce of the Earth is a little weird. Is he mad? IS he in trouble? WHY WHY WHY am I still thinking about it. Argh. Must get busy and back to my endless grading and worrying about how I'm, going to go to the damn opera.
Now I'm singing Amy Winehouse. . . .the day does not look good.

The Aftermath

So turkey day was fun. But I still have this incredible feeling unease somewhere inside me. I'm not sure where it's coming from. Actually, fuck that, it's coming from money. I just opened all of my envelopes that have been piling up for ages and I've gone from feeling terrified to relieved and back to terrified. Perhaps it has something to do with watching The Real Housewives of Orange County and being annoyed with the incredible wealth and ignorance in the world. Who knows? Sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning. Then I remember that I don't live in Darfur, that I'm not alone , and that I have a pretty good life here in LALA land. Why doesn't that keep me sane? I hate money. I'm going to go watch Fight Club.

Turkey for me and a turkey for you!

So I've been off for a little bit. Overwhelmed, as usual, with work and being broke. But today I have two Thanksgivings to go to and I'm very happy about that. So have a good day everybody, be happy, and call your mom.

All Hail Mr. Moose

So Mr. Moose (known in this blog as Mouse), came to talk to my kids the other day and he was wonderful! They were riveted. He gave them a great talk about college and post college life. My favorite part was when he said that post college life was an "educated improvisation." Anyway they wrote him thank you letters and I was really proud of them and him. It was nice for them to see other people be invested in their education. I think it was a pretty good wake up call. So, yeah he rocked. Hooray for people who get involved. He also made a big push for them to read more, read everything, even things they don’t like so they can learn from them. That just made my day. If only we could all be so invested in the future of our country…

Oh Sailor! Why'd you do it?

So what to do with a man that you love who just can't get it together? You just let him go. And it sucks. That's it, no point in continuing to ruminate.
On another note, my weekend was full of greatness. Me and my ladies spent all weekend together and it was fabulous. I didn't think about work, do any work, talk to any work people, or anything. (you can probably tell because of my horrible grammar and lack of transition sentences)
Anyway, we all spent a ton of time together and talked and laughed and cried. It was better than Cats. We also went back to visit our college, where we met , and got all nostalgic. We sat on the steps in the sun, smoked cigarettes, and ate sushi , for old times sake. It was nice to see how far we've all come and what different women we are, married, divorced, engaged, diabetic, anxiety ridden, childless, working, but happy. We were so happy. It was wonderful. The campus has changed so much, just as we have. I felt good. It was odd because I didn't quite feel old but just the sense that time had passed. It didn't bother me. I felt proud and relieved in a weird way.
In any case, now I'm back at work and dealing with the absurdity that is my job. As much as I love it, there are days when I just can't understand how kids can still WHINE at seventeen? And why, why, why would you do this? Just write the damn paper, wear the stupid uniform, bring the fucking book. End of story. Damn kids.
Weird post I know, too much in my brain to get out in a coherent manner. Deal.

For Mommy

So I've been thinking a lot about family, love and support. It has been a rough couple of weeks for me and I am, as ever, astounded by the generosity of spirit present in my life. I am currently recovering from a wild night with my best girls and we are all lounging on the couch reading silly magazines. I love my friends. Yesterday, I called mommy and made her listen to this song because I wanted her to know how I felt . She gave me life, love, and the capacity for friendships with women so deep no man can ever begin to understand. So this one's for you Umi.


"Angry Anymore"

growing up it was just me and my mom
against the world
and all my sympathies were with her
when i was a little girl
but now i've seen both my parents
play out the hands they were dealt
and as each year goes by
i know more about how my father must have felt

i just want you to understand
that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
i'm not angry anymore

she taught me how to wage a cold war
with quiet charm
but i just want to walk
through my life unarmed
to accept and just get by
like my father learned to do
but without all the acceptance and getting by
that got my father through

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light
to compensate
for the lack of light from above
every time we fight
a cold wind blows our way

but we learn like the trees
how to bend
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for
and baby, i just want you to understand
that i'm not angry anymore
no, i'm not angry anymore

Take that! Bee-atch!

So long story short: A woman a work accused me of being racist because she thought I was have a meeting with "all the white teachers" at work. In my world this is known as lunch, but apparently when you are of mixed race and you eat lunch with white people you're a racist. So I confronted her today, and in typically LPC fashion, ran linguistic circles around her. Her only response to my mad verbal prowess was, "Well I don't wanna get involved in that mess anyway." Yes, she sure told me. Anyway, I continue my lifelong battle of not being BLACK enough for some folks. Whatever, I'm smarter than her anyhow. And if being black is her narrow definition of close mindedness, I’ll gladly take my chances being mocha, cafe au lait, or just plain purple. Fuck it, I know who I am.

A little o' bit of clarity by my side. . .

So today, for the first time since the surgery, actually since I was told I needed the surgery, I feel pretty good. Beyond good. I thought that I would never stop feeling the way I did yesterday, lost, confused, and a little purposeless. However, this morning I felt great and alive and like myself. Too weird. I think I needed to get over everything and make peace with certain decisions. It's hard, but I feel alive and rediscovered. This isn't coming out the way I wanted it too but at least it make sense to me.
And three cheers to whomever gets the stupid reference in the title of this post.

Funeral

Today was Chris's funeral. I'm still not sure how I feel about it all. I'm caught between a place of sadness and hope. The kids lost it, the teachers lost it, but at the end of the day, all I had to do was look at his smiling face on the cover of the program and remember what he was about. He was about life, love, and commitment to passion. So CP, wherever you are, I hope enjoyed the celebration of your life today. But I don't know If I'll ever stop missing you.

My people, My people!

Get it together. That's all I got.

Like Mary J. says "NO MORE DRAMA!" (and a little more Fitzgerald)

Super busy as of late. Drama everywhere. I am however now a proud owner of a karaoke machine. Anyway, I’m feeling wonderfully calm amidst all the chaos. Finished The Great Gatsby today with my AP class and was once again (probably for the 100th time!) moved by the language. Scott Fitzgerald was one hell of a writer. As Dorothy Parker said about him, and he said about Gatsby, "That poor son of bitch." Never will I stop being amazed at the power of words , and his words specifically. I have taught this book a million times but I swear that last line gets me every time, "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." AMAZING. Hands down, that has got to be the best last line of a novel ever. I challenge you to find a better one.
So we had a wonderful discussion in class to day about the ending of this book and language, and as usual it was uplifting, moving, and fabulous. After a week of what seemed like endless suspensions, fights, and staff revolts, I needed this class. God, I love my job.

Fires, boxes of love, tears, and wonder.

Despite the tragedy earlier this week, I feel a profound sense of joy. My birthday (yesterday) was one of the most beautiful days I've ever had. I was astounded and awed by my colleagues, students, and family. My students tried valiantly to get through day. We had wonderful talks about Chris, shared our memories and also celebrated my birthday, because we all acknowledged the fact that Chris would have kicked my ass had I not celebrated. I have never before felt such a sense of clarity and purpose.
My favorite students asked me last week what I wanted for my birthday and I replied, "A box of love." Sure enough, they walked in with a huge box, which I unwrapped with glee, only to discover another box, and another, and another and then about sixteen others. The smallest box contained three letters of love. Letters that made me smile and cry, and feel for the first time like a mother. It was amazing.
Meanwhile, my city is burning and the sky is surreal shade of orange. I'm sad to watch the world burn around me, but I know I have to keep going. Life moves, grass will grow, and we will all survive as best we can

Chris Price Died Today.

One of the best teachers I have ever known came to school today, made his photocopies, started teaching class and had a heart attack. He died on the floor of his classroom. He was a wonderful man, a beautiful spitrit and a dear friend. Last week he complained of chest pains and we told him to go to the doctor, but being the strong stubborn brother he was, he waitied until today to make his doctor's appt. Never before have I met a man who touched everyone with his grace, intelligence, and love. The world lost a strong spirit today. He will be missed.

Asking. Why Is it so hard?

Please pick up that heavy thing for me. Please help me pay some bills. Please help me with my laundry since I just had surgery and shouldn't pick up heavy things.
They seem so simple as I write them, but they are next to impossible to ask. Actually, asking for help IS impossible for me. I am lucky enough to have people around me who know that, understand that and can extend kindeness when needed without me having to ask. They also encourage me to ask. I'm learning that asking for help when you need it is not something to be ashamed of. I'm learning that needing help doesn’t mean you are weak. I’m learning that I love repetition.
News as of late: the teacher I wanted fired ended up quitting. whoo hoo! I'm annoyed that she sold us a false bill of goods, but I'm also relived she quit. She did more harm than good, and in education that is beyond devastating.
There is more news out there but I'm watching the Red Sox hopefully go to the World Series. Hooray. Shhhhhh.... don't jinx it. So I'll reveal the rest soon.

Cabin Fever=Bizarre Post

So I've been absent as of late due to yet another medical set back. Return of the slasher flick. Big time. It was gross. Now my body is so tired and I'm having a hard time resting. I hate resting. I'm also pretty annoyed that my body seems to just keep breaking. My lovely doctor says that is just because I have a delicate system. That annoys me. I feel as if I have this super strong warrior spirit inside some flimsy fragile shell. How can I get anything done if my body refuses to cooperate?
I am also filled with odd emotions after learning that two students (STUDENTS!) I taught last year are about to have a baby. Why? They just turned eighteen and are only six weeks into college! I can’t help asking myself why is it not me that is getting ready for a baby? What does this mean? I don’t know maybe I should have chaperoned the Senior Cruise last year and I would have gotten knocked up too.
In other news, Sailordude is somewhere above the country in a plane flying home from what seems to have been one of the most disastrous family visits in the history of mankind. His sister is a mess, just lost her child in a custody battle and of course is riddled with guilt because that's the New England way of doing things. I can't understand why this is happening to him, but the only advice I could give him was to follow the signs. If life is pointing you in one direction, follow it. Sadly for me, I don’t think life is pointing him towards me. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
All I know is that I have to do what I can so my life and my body work. How hard is that? The answer: Very hard. I, who am so used to taking care of others and wrapping myself around someone else’s life, have been left to wrap myself around my life. oy.
Odd post, I know, but the words in my head are more convoluted than I thought. Thoughts? Anyone?

LA Miracles

So last night I went out with Angelo Moore, the lead singer of Fishbone, whose alter Ego is Dr. Madd Vibbe. And oh man it was awesome! He is one of my idols, a musical genius, and LA Royalty. It was a classic LA evening with dinner at Harold and Belle's, the best Creole eats in the city and a night cap at Fais Do-Do. Angelo is different than expected and older, wiser and sadly very bitter. His music is still incredible and he has the ability to tap into the political climate and express the inexpressible. We spent a lot of time talking about music, life, love, and the twist and turns of the unexpected. He seems to have been beaten down by a past relationship and the reality of the music business, He still however found the time to go out, meet someone new and hopefully rediscover his happiness. Anyway, it was cool, beyond cool, and exactly what I needed.

Goodbye Yankees!

Even though everyone else in my family is in football mode, I'm just glad to report that the Yankees are done and I say HELL YEAH! Red Sox baby, It's all about the Red Sox.

Guilty as Charged

So I let a friend help me and then I screwed her over and I am consumed, consumed I tell you, with guilt. I have taken the steps to rectify the situation, but here I am at the other end of the forgiveness game. Oh my. How is it that we can only stop and dwell on the action and not on the steps taken to resolve the problem? Oh well. I did have a wonderful conversation with the always faithful (in every sense of the word-She still goes to Mass, God Bless her!) Elaine, out in Boston, who reminded that given the circumstances I’m actually still pretty cool. I have to remind myself to shed my superwoman persona and remember to embrace the fact that I am indeed just like everyone else. I am not above mistakes, craziness, lows, guilt, problems, addictions, or anything we as humans go through. Where did this desire for perfection come from? I'm reading this book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, and at least I have the comfort of knowing that I am not alone. Everyday that I eat, that I am healthy, that I don't beat myself up, is a good day, even if everything else falls apart.

Forgiveness

I was told yesterday that not forgiving and understanding that "people make mistakes" is stupid. Or rather that I shouldn't do it and I should forgive and forget rather than cut people out of my life. I wonder how many people can actually do that, for real. When someone hurts you so deeply so that you feel as if you're soul has been ripped apart, how do you forgive and say "oh well it happens?" I wonder sometimes if I am right or wrong in my inability to do this. Are you ever justified in saying, "No that is something I cannot forgive?" Does it violate our nature (or just mine) to have a limit to forgiveness? These are things I wonder as I recuperate, lost in books and memories, searching for an answer somewhere.

Lessons

Mama says it's seasonal, all the crap happening right now. I hope so. The good news is my friend Jenny is coming out to hang out with me, Sailordude seems to be getting it together, despite his train wreck of a sister, ADD, and general craziness. Also in the good news department: my brothers are awesome and everyone at work is helping out while I'm getting over this surgery crap. I'll spare you the details, suffice to say I feet as if I'm in some horrible slasher flick. Ick.
So the lesson I think I'm, learning is that even when things are bad, people are still good. Not all of them (like the ex best friends that want to take your refrigerator), but a few, and I guess that's all you need.
I'm off to the doctor today and hopefully he'll tell me good news or at least make me laugh.
Now about that karaoke machine. . .

And the countdown begins!

It is now October! Which means 22 days until my birthday. I am expecting one thing, and one thing only, a karaoke microphone. That's it. Hook it up. That's right, I said it it.

5 am call to Mama

Couldn't sleep this morning so I called Mama and we talked for two hours as I drove around a dark, deserted Los Angeles in search of coffee and The NY Times. It was lovely. There a few times in life when you know, really know, that you were born into the right family at the right time. I've always felt that maybe things would have been easier if I had been a boy, or the oldest, or even in the middle. But this morning it felt just right. Who else can you call at 5am in the morning and gossip about the mayor of Los Angeles, insane marriage proposals, books, and the difference between Peet's Coffee and Starbucks? Would anyone care except your mother?
I'm reading this book right now about teenage girls and man, is it insightful! It is just amazing how much women change during those years. I told Mama that we should have read this book years ago, if for no other reason than to know we were not alone. It's nobody's fault, and everyone's fault all at the same time. And isn't that glorious?

And the down side is:

Just talked to one of my numerous doctors and now it seems that my new problem in potential infertility. What The hell people? I just barely decided I wanted kids and now this? It seems I have to be an underfed starlet or just out of rehab in order to have a baby. Of course now that I have babies on the brain I'm seeing them everywhere. This morning I took myself out to breakfast and this little boy waved at me from across the aisle and then came and sat with me. I met his parents, a lovely lesbian couple, who had also just adopted a little girl from China. Then I got in my car and cried.
It’s really quite strange how you turn into a cliché without even realizing it.
The good news is that I'm definitely doing beautifully at work. School has been fantastic this year, despite having a rather inept new principal and few crazy teachers. I started a leadership program for the seniors and I think that might to go really well. It's amazing how the kids respond when you just give them what they need. Why is this so hard for people in our government to understand?

Oh My! 2007-What a year.

Well! As my dear Big Brother pointed out, it has been quite a year for all of us in LPC's family. The news as of today: I have to have surgery tomorrow, Mom broke her foot, and Grandma got in to a car accident that involved, running a red light, hitting another car, and somehow taking out two innocent gas pumps. She's Ok but the gas pumps won't see another day. Pretty crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I have just returned from yet another doctor who gave me all sorts of goodies to hopefully combat my blues. Apparently it's not bad to be on "anti-depressants" Although I hate that word. I call them SSRI's because that sounds not as crazy. Anyway, we'll see.
Ta ta for now.

LPC

Later:

Surgery went well. I’m very sleepy. Trying to read. Too exhausted even for that. Argh.

Depressed?

So my friend Melissa says I'm depressed. I don't even know what that means. I did finally clean the house though. My roommate has gone to Vegas for the weekend. Mr. Sailordude is doing his usual disappearing act post bachelor party. He seems to be hemming and hawing again about doing this thing. Argh. I feel like I've lost everyone. Which is why she thinks I'm depressed. When I look logically at things though, I have lost everyone. Now I exist in a constant state of fear that everyone else is going to leave me, or turn against me. Natural paranoia given the events of the past? Beginning of mental disorder? Needles drama created by over active imagination? Who can tell?
More later.

The Deep Blue

Well ladies and gents, your dear LPC, has indeed got the blues. And she's got them bad. It's awful. I feel terribly exposed. Odd that I'm writing that on a very public blog but, whatever. Anyway, I'm a little confused. I just not sure what end is up these days. The only thing that seems to make sense is work, which is pretty scary given that I work with teenagers. I'm also annoyed with myself because I seem to be reacting to a lot of negative stuff with even more negativity. Whenever I want to control things I revert to really terrifying behavior. I know intellectually that my behavior is destructive and wrong. On top of that, I know it will make me feel terrible, but there is something inside me that can't stop when I'm faced with certain things. Weird. It's as if my mind and body have this bizarre Pavlovian response. Ugh.

Everything is different

That's it. Life is unexpected. Yet, at the same time, totally expected.

Who knows?

Woo-hoo it's September! I am looking forward to the school year, mostly so I can get out of my house, which has currently turned into a sauna. We are in the middle of a "heat wave." Which is just a euphemism for global warming, and the universe saying, "Fuck you LA for your big gas guzzling cars and bottled water!"
In other news, I'm excited to teach some new classes this year. I'm also a big bucket of anxiety. Change is good and needed but gad damn it still scares me. I was on the phone recently with a young friend, and he was freaking out about uncertainty and not being able to control life. In the moment I felt that I could advise him, and that I knew better than to worry about being able to control the unknown. However, today when I am faced with my own uncertainty I am crippled by anxiety. Where does it come from? How do I stop it? Sometimes I feel as If I am forever going to be crushed by my own fear.
I don't know, maybe it's just PMS. . .
More later.

And how!

So I'm finally on the road to getting my silly piece of paper that says I can teach. Nevermind the fact that I've been teaching for a long time and that I'm a good teacher. Now I have to pay $21,000 so the State of CA can "certify" that I'm a good teacher. It is important to keep in mind that I have a good job and and a lot of support behind me. So that my friends is the positive thought for the day.

Ego Shmego

I'm working with a woman right now who is all about EGO. She also talks incessantly, which is saying a lot, coming from me. You know those people that always have to "one -up" you whether you're talking about how tired you are, or how much work you have to do, or your recent break-up, they always have to have the story about how they are so much more tired etc. Yeah, well she does that too. I never realized how exhausting that can become. I'm hoping at least that I can improve my leadership skills and figure out how to work with her, or just hit her with my Webster's Unabridged.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

This is a list of stupid things I hate today (and every other day actually):

Teachers that want to teach and can't because of credential issues.
Credentials for teachers that want to teach that are very expensive.
Organizations that give teachers the wrong information and then threaten to fire them when they don't meet the crazy rules the organization arbitrarily create.
Low salaries for teachers who want to teach.
No Child Left Behind.
Meetings about rules.
Stys that won't go away.
Family problems.
Lies.
Drinking too much.
Spell check programs on blogger that don't work.

ARGH! Why didn't anybody tell me!

So I'm sick and I'm about to go shopping with Mouse for his wedding. He needs a shirt, cuff links and shoes. I wonder why guys think women are just inherently good at this type of stuff.
In other news, I think Sailordude might be back in the picture. After a tough six months of not knowing what I wanted I feel as if things are pretty clear now. Without going into too many details, the universe has been sending me some pretty serious signs that Sailordude is the one for me. Big Brother (BB), came over Thursday night and he pointed out that any relationship would be destined to fail until I had totally worked it out with Sailordude. Odd that BB is so insightful about my relationship after the train wreck he's just been through. But he's totally right. It's true! I finally realized the other night that until I really truly gave Sailordude a chance to improve the things he wanted to, I could never forget him.
So of course I've been asking everyone: Why didn't they tell me I was still in love with him?!
Apparently everyone thought I knew. Whatever.

Scary Stuff

Yesterday was Mouse's birthday and since we no longer live together I threw him a party. We had a BBQ at my house (since I have become the "one with the big house") and he invited all of his friends. Most of his freinds have been around since he was in college. As I am the yougest in my family, I had spent most of my high school career drinking and rabblerousing with these boys. I was thinking about those days as I frantically cleaned my house (that's a whole different blog for a different day!). i looked up to them like they were gods. When in actuality they were just crazy college kids that drank too much.
i pictured them more or less as I remebered them, i was only expecting a little bit more girth, the kind that comes with being in your mid thirties. I was of surprised by the fact that they all had KIDS! anad WIVES.

DADDY! MOMMY!

So the Big Creole is coming back from the motherland today. Mama is so happy and that makes me wildly happy. It's been hard with him so far away. My family is big and loud and strong. And we've been apart, spread all over the world, for many years. The distance has taken its toll on mama. I guess I didn't quite realize until I started reading her blog. I knew from talking to her that she was upset, but as I have no children myself, I didn't really understand the fear she's been feeling. That's not too mention the isolation. It's interesting, how I've come to understand her so much more since my father's been gone. As women we've become so much closer. I need in her ways I never have before. I really like it.

Please refer to last post. . .

Yes it's true. It's been a year. But here's the thing-I got busy. Really busy. And felt as if perhaps blogging was a little too much too hande. However, I was inspired by mamablog and all her online blogging cohorts to start again. There has been well. . . quite a bit that has happened and called into question: EVERYTHING. I have recently reevaluated relationships both romantic and not. It's been rough. I have however continued to work and work well. The rediscovery of a wonderful job and talent has kept me stable.
All that to say things will get better and maybe some of you will care and maybe not. But I'm having fun. To sum up, no more Halem, no more Sailordude. Just LPC alone again, naturally. More soon.