The phone is off the hook, but you're not.

Leave us alone. I'm happy. I'm whole. You took all that you could. Stop trying to take more. Nothing you can do will ever make it go away. You hurt me. You walked away from the one thing I wanted. You can never make that go away. Sit with it. Own it. You fucked up. Now leave me be.

Because she is awesome. . .

The "other kid" gets a post. I am happy to report that this is what she has learned:

Mommy

I love you. You're right & you know it.

The world is too much with us

The drive to Glendale provided ample time for reflection. She drove and drove, thinking of the many places she has gone in her life, the people she met, the number of times she sped down the 10 freeway in anger, anticipation, anxiety and fear. The city had never let her down. It provided her with a sense of comfort and continuity with the past. This particular day, the city was awash in memories. The past flew past her in waves, turbulent, strong, and fantastic.
She stepped out of dream state and into the present for a breakfast with her brother. The conversation reminded her that times had indeed changed. Her brother, long since her confidant and friend, asked her for advice. For the first time in her life, she gave it with confidence. She opened up to him about her recent explorations and was both amazed and awed by his reaction. He understood her. Again she was taken back to a time when no one understood her, when she ran from her family. What a relief it was to be out of that life.
She left Glendale and drove through the Valley and in and out of memories. Her life had started there, in this valley of concrete and misguided dreams. Sad lives make funny people. What was going to become of her now?

Whenever I get sad. . .

I read this, posted by my baby girl:

Hush My Baby, Don't You Cry

The last few days have been tiring. I've had the intense and seemingly never ending thrust into catharsis. It was hard trying to search through my blurry vision and admit to myself that I had already known the soreness and exactly its emergence. The anxiety seemed so illogical to me that giving it any attention became futile. If you asked me what I was so afraid of, I wouldn't be able to tell you. That small and profound fact is still hiding somewhere in my mind. I don't know why I sincerely spare her feelings when mine where never genuinely in her interest. My best friend tells me that I have gotten better with vocalizing my sadness which roots from her, but I can't see any progression just yet. She reminded me that when I was in high school, I never talked about it and all you would ever find was my music blasting to drown everything out, and me huddled in some corner with my journal. I take it that it was evident that I knew pain but didn't know how to let it go. It will never make sense to me as to why I excuse her absence and nonchalantly dismiss her uncommitted nature. The little girl that still resides in me won't let me. I've learned that just because I am accustomed to these bizarre circumstances that it in no way makes it okay.
It didn't help to converse with an old friend of my father's who insisted on pointing out that I am a complete reflection of her--physically that is. It's odd. I look in the mirror and don't see her at all, I never have.
These days here, in my mom-mom's comforting house has given me the time to reflect. The days I spent at my father's gave me time to cry through all of the work that compiled before my eyes. I am forever indebted to my popi & mom-mom. All I know is that the best parts of me manifests through them.
I don't know how long it will take for me to get there but when I finally do, I won't feel guilty anymore. Everything is hidden in time somewhere, now if only I could learn patience.

J'ai toujours l'espoir.

The kids are gone and mommy's all stuffed up.

So I took The Kid to the airport and sent her on her way to NYC to see the other kid, Noush. I was alternately sad and happy. I am glad of course that they get to spend some time together. I am also sad that ahem, I feel a list coming on. . .
1. I don't have spring break right now
2. I'm not going to New York.
3. I'm sick.
4. There is plenty of work to be done before I can go on spring break.
5. My girls aren't here.

Anyway, I am struck by how hard is for me to watch them grow. Where are they going to go? I'm scared that the joy of getting kids late in life is ultimately undone by the fear of watching them leave so quickly. oh *sigh* I don't know.
Every year around this time I get sad. Time passes, the kids get accepted and move on, and I am still the same. Those moments of passage, moving forward, doing new things, almost seem impossible now. I can't seem to figure out what my next move will be.

The best day of life.

I played mommy to two extra girls this weekend. It was lovely. I also had a great breakfast with my dear brother Mr. Moose. Hooray. Today I spent the morning reading the paper and hanging out with my girlies. Then I went shopping with the kid. We spent all day looking for a dress when we really didn't need to. In any case, it was incredible to spend the day running around with the kid and having mommy-daughter time. I can't wait to go home and have a mommy daughter day with my mom.
I now have a very pretty dress and I must do some work. . . argh. I have a very busy week ahead of me.