Lyrics To Go

I spent the afternoon with Mike the Poet writing a kick ass poetry curriculum for 826la, an off shoot of 826 Valencia in San Francisco. Check them out if you have never heard of them.

www.826valencia.org

It was the first time in a long time that I was excited to write and develop a curriculum. I enjoy working outside the confines of my school. As of late, I feel like I am working in a mini district with the same shit as the the larger school districts. I came to charter schools to avoid that. We are all over worked, underpaid and we waste our time (well you know, you remember that conference. . . "inculturate").
In any case, I want to do something different, something I believe in. I'm thinking an all girls charter school. I want a school I can be proud of, a school that means something. A school that teaches ethics and character development, and THINKING. God forbid we teach kids to think, you know since there is no state standard for that.

I digress. My horoscope said today to "create the conditions in which you want to work." Hmmm. . .

(now is the point at which I would like a nice 80's movie montage, in which all the work gets done in the space of a Simply Red song)

The Green Light. . .Redux.

I spent the day reading The Great Gatsby for the . . . 100th time. I am, as usual, teaching it in the Fall. I'm trying to find a theme this year to focus on for a final essay other than the American Dream. I'm over it, the kids are over it, it got us into this recession, and it is just time for a new conversation.

The predicament is this- I can't find a good theme. I know this book backwards, forwards, and upside down, but I can't find a theme or topic that is both interesting and substantial enough for a good essay. Any ideas?

Right now I'm tossing around something like the human instinct to create an identity other than our own ultimately leads to destruction. Unclear I know, but I can't quite formulate the thought. Or, perhaps something like our inability to find solace in the truth leads to moral decline. I don't know. Thoughts?

Alone.

It's not so bad after all. And it's so quiet. I'll be back soon.

Mr. Moose and his doughnuts

Today is the day we call Doughnut Day or Mr. Moose's Birthday. Mr. Moose is a wonderful brother, man, friend, writer, scallywag, and good time man.

Today we will eat doughnuts, drink coffee, and celebrate the life of my dear brother.

Happy Birthday pal! I love you.

The Best Little Girl in the World

This is Eka Loa Sonksen. daughter of Mike the Poet and Emi M. Mike is a wonderful teacher, poet, artist, friend, and all around good guy.

Having recently realized that there is no baby in the near future for me, her birth fills me with joy, awe, and happiness. I can't lie and say that I am not without a little envy either. I know my time will come. I also know I'm lucky to have the kids I have and that it is enough for now.

I am amazed by my peers who maintain their lives and have babies. I always thought you had to have a ton of money and do something you didn't want to do if you were going to be a successful parent. I realize however that it is the quality of love you give your children that matters. As I got my kids later in life and didn't give birth to them, I am mystified by the whole process. I know what it means to love a child (my kids are children of my heart and soul, not my body) but I have no idea what it means to carry a child and create one.

Last night, the Birdman and I were talking about how very strange it must be to wake up one day without a baby then go to sleep that same day, with a baby. How quickly your world can change. I have faith in the fact that Mike and Emi will be the world's coolest parents and love Eka more than humanly possible. She will no doubt have a rich life full of art, family, music, and laughter.

I can't wait to meet her.

No words. None.

Well actually I do have a few.

The first is "inculturate." This is the word that was thrown around at least a dozen times yesterday in the "setting the stage" portion of the retreat or conference or whatever the hell it was. I assume he meant indoctrinate, but whatever. It is not amusing when you are dragged 50 miles away to be preached to by an "educator" about raising your standards as a professional when he MAKES UP WORDS. How can I take this organization seriously when this is what I am forced to deal with? I am currently too tired/frustrated/ disheartened to write any more about that.

I will give you another word however, it's a phrase really, "a very impacted schedule." As in, "We have a very impacted schedule so we need to be mindful of the time." All wrong. No no no no no no. You can't have an impacted anything except teeth and concrete! But I still had to sit and listen to him tell me how to do my job.

With budget cuts looming, this is how we spend our time and money? No wonder California sucks.

I have to go listen to Journey now, so I don't stop believing.

Back to Reality? Nope, I don't like it one bit!

So I'm home and I just found out that one of my teachers quit and I have to go to a conference tomorrow far away to talk about a bunch of stupid things. I have every reason to believe that this conference is going to be a waste of time. So far it is totally unorganized and I have no idea what we're going to be doing. I imagine it is going to filled with useless "leadership" rhetoric about getting on buses and going in the same direction and climbing mountains, you know mixed metaphors and stupidity. Oh well.

I am frustrated that so much bureaucracy and politics have become part of my tiny little school system. This is what we were trying to avoid. This is how good ideas go bad, the wrong people executing them. We shall see. I'll let you know.

I'm still riding high on my kids passing the Advance Placement test. Go ahead, try and tell me I'm doing a bad job. . .and I'll just show you my test scores and the list of colleges MY students got into! Take that Mr. Admin man.

Look at me, all on fire with Texas heat!

Lessons in Texas

Everyone said to go to the Riverwalk in San Antonio. Meh. It wasn't anything more than a glorified ditch with water in it.
Oh well.

I spent my first night here in a blur of tears since I was tired and was haunted by the ghost of an ex-boyfriend as soon as I stepped off the plane. However, the second day proved to be exactly what I needed. I had a great day at the conference and actually learned something, then went to a meeting with some people like me , THEN I went out on the town with the History Teacher!

We decided that San Antonio was a little like Long Island, stuck in the late 80's early 90's with smoking bars. We danced and watched baseball (in a bar!), while the History Teacher "tapered up" before his two week long trip with his brother. I was of course hopped up on about five caffeinated beverages and sugar. As he rambled on at one in the morning and slurred his way through conversations,my head buzzed with the caffeine and the knowledge that I spent an entire night on a pub crawl totally sober. With all of the difficulty over the past few days, the fear, the stress, and the unanswered questions, this moment made me feel alive and powerful.

I was so scared to come here and leave my little routine, but it was fine, is fine. I realized a few days ago that no matter where I go and what I do, I am enough. I will always be OK, I will always be good, and I will always be strong, because I am pretty damn cool and I don't need some damn guy to teach me that!

And that's the way it is.
(RIP Mr. Cronkite)

Don't mess With Texas

I don't plan on it. But I am on my way there. For a damn conference. It should be interesting. Ribs and cigarettes in 115 degree weather.
Yeee-doggie.

Powerless on Bastille Day, perhaps I shall eat some cake.

I can't worry about other people and their reactions to me!
That's it.

I have no more power over other people's opinions than I do over my Puerto Rican hips and those ankles from my father's side. And besides all that, other people's opinions are none of my damn business. I just needed to put that out there to remind myself. It's really more for me than for your reading pleasure.

In other news it is Bastille Day and I miss Paris and France and ahhhh. . .wine. No matter. I will drink some grape juice and eat some Brie with my sober friends. Perhaps I will launch into my version of "La Marseillaise" which involves an interpretive dance.

I know you're jealous.

Sunday is for sleeping. . .or not.

I have not stopped doing things since Wednesday night! How am I so busy? It's freaking summer?!

Perhaps because like a certain friend who shall remain nameless (ahem, Melah), I have issues with time management, or perhaps it is because I have a lot of free time on my hands these days. Consequently, I am so tired from being busy. Too many activities. Just to give you a break down:

Wednesday:
Late night concert in Hollywood

Thursday:
Pick up pal and take him to car place, deal with car stuff
Pick up another pal and take her to pick up her car
see daughter
go to dinner and watch sister in law dance
pick up pal again and watch late night movie
Friday:
Pick up another pal at airport
take her to her car (do you see a pattern?)
go to breakfast
nap (whew!)
take pal to audition
meeting with another pal
go to big meeting with lots of pals
sleep

Saturday:
8am Breakfast with brother
10h30 meeting
12h30 BBQ in Pasadena (which is way far from me)
hour and half drive home
Beach
store
dinner with pals and brother
sleep (at 1:30 am)

Sunday:
Coffee with pal
meeting with pals
help another pal go shopping and set up a party
stay at party and subsequently miss meetings with three other people.
go home
blog
sleep (hopefully at some point today)

In any case, I'm off again now to go hang out with some peeps and enjoy the ocean breeze. That's all I got. Sunday Rocks.

Is it a thing?

Not too far back we were discussing the difference between a relationship and dating. I don't think anyone really knows for sure. So I'm back in a space of trying to stay out of relationships and dating, but not quite sure what I'm doing. so my question is- how do you know when it's a thing?

The Eurocans

There is a particular set of people who have lived in Europe then come back to the States. These people say things like "the States" or "America." They also say "bin"and "lift", drink coffee or tea at odd times, and watch soccer. These are my people.

I would like to take this time to say that before you judge us and call us pretentious, remember that we are having a hard time. We feel country less and are in the throes of figuring out our identities. We don't hate America, we came back for crying out loud. We are just in our reentry phase and we feel very lonely and get annoyed when people don't seem to think that it might be hard to move back to what feels like a foreign country.

So just be patient while we find ourselves. Remember too, you might learn something if you just sit back and listen. Like the fact that St. Marcelin cheese smells horrible and rules all, Spaniards are awesome, and Americans are too fast.

Give us a break. We're pretty cool.

How do you know something bad won't happen?

I don't know. I don't know that something awful won't happen. I believe that it won't. I believe that what I have is enough. I believe that what I can do is enough. I believe that I am where I should be.

Some day I will have the things I want. I don't have them today because I don't need them. I can't handle them. That is enough.

Why I wake up in the morning.

This is from my kid. She keeps me together.

Casablanca Lilies.

Dear Mommy,

I was sitting here pondering in this dark room and I picked up my journal. Yes the one that comes with me everywhere just so that if I happen to be inspired or if I am too shy or ashamed to speak my words, I can write them down. I read through it again and I came across a little secret letter I wrote for you back in January-- the month that never existed in our world and I wanted to remind you, just in case you may have forgotten. . .

I think of you every time I go out to the bluff. I miss you. I go out there and inevitably I begin to reflect. I appreciate you. Tonight I thought about the time you sat with me out there on the bluff and we had a heart to heart. I can't help but reiterate my everlasting gratitude for you and the place you have in my heart. Way back when, I had nearly passed out because the last time I had eaten was god knows when... You sat me down outside of your classroom door and you handed me a bottle of water, an apple and crackers. You ordered me to EAT. I'm thankful for that day. Being in my position, it's hard to watch from a far when people burn you and are unappreciative of your natural being. Me being me, I just wanna take it all away and smack some sense into a select few... Unfortunately I cannot rob them of their life learning, but damn it, I wish they could see your priceless worth. I'll always be grateful for you.

-Forever, A.

I can see the humanity that holds you, the past that thrusts you forward, and the future that inspires you. You are beautiful Mommy because you never stop learning and you don't accept mediocrity. Even if you have to try it again, you rebuild yourself like your graceful phoenix. I know that you believe in me, even when I don't believe in myself. I know this all to be true because you loved me.

The Girl

The Girl said go hang out with people and stop fucking sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

The Girl said come out withus and dance like a crazy person in fucking Agoura Hills.

The Girl said I was perfect.

The Girl said I just needed to relax.

The Girl said next time fucking call instead of losing your mind at three in the morning.

The Girl said come to the beach and play.

The Girl said you never have to be lonely again.

The Girl is always fucking right.

Long live The Girl. She's bringing me back to life.

Breathe Three AM

So I kind of fell asleep (on the couch), then promptly woke up in a panic about money and life. I spent a good ten minutes crawling out of my skin and trying very hard not to call Pink Dot and order me up a bottle of the Goose. (PS-I didn't)

Wow this sucks. Instead of throwing myself a pity party I bought a plane ticket for a conference I have to attend in a few weeks then planned how I will survive on such a trip to a moderately fun city all on my lonesome. Totally sucks. I'm scared to go, as I will be missing the nice routine I have set up for myself, but I have to go.

Now I am filled with more anxiety and I have no idea what to do.

Breathe.

Sleep Texting

Apparently my new thing is to fall asleep on my couch and randomly send texts to people in a weird sleepy haze. What is up with that? Isn't it enough that I talk in my sleep and sleepwalk? Now I'm using technology? Maybe I have a whole secret sleep life that I am unaware of. Now that could either be really cool or really dangerous.

The Book of Laughter and Forgetting

I think I'm writing it right now! I am have been doing a lot of writing lately and it seems to all center on forgiveness, accepting, and yes laughter. When I look back I have done a great many stupid things, and fortunately I am in a position right now to be able to share those things with people and laugh. So as much pain and sadness that is involved in my current process, there is an awful lot of laughter.

I have also come to a vauge understanding with my relationship with relationships. So that has been interesting, and curiously, also very funny. Who knew? But more on that later.

So that's all I got for now, and that is more than enough.