Sorry I laughed. . .

at your crazy talk about "the universe," the law of attraction and positive thinking. I didn't mean it. You were right. Good things can happen. They do happen. I was lame for telling you that your made up mystical talk was just shit talking. Somewhere in your blah blah talking you found a way to help me. So there. I said it. I was wrong and I won't laugh anymore. I'll believe.

UPDATE: So I just read through the previous posts on this blog and the older one . . .and damn. It's no surprise that I am where I am. The writing was on the wall. Thankfully, I read it before it fell.

We done did it again

Tonight was a low point for education. There is no excuse ever to have have teenage kids in a play with smoking, drinking, borderline prostitution, glorification of sex, and (my personal favorite) girls getting drunk and being carted off to Havana in a drunken stupors. Wrong and bad and wrong again. This is what they are doing at night? This is why they are missing school? I have been in children's theatre for about 15 years and never before tonight have I been this horrified. That's saying something. How can I change the world when clearly there is so much work to do? Why are we losing good people who actually care about the best interest of children and keeping people who do this? Argh. I feel like Jerry Maguire. I'm going to stay up all night and write a "mission statement" then get myself fired. Fuck.

Keep it simple, sisters

Tonight I met an extraordinary group of women. I decide to forget about basketball, the rent, the damn ex, the logistics, the job, and do something for myself. I was terrified and scared and felt like I was going to throw up, but I did it. I sat with a group of women, similar, eerily similar in fact, to myself and listed and talked and felt wonderful. I felt connected and not so alone.
I am going to be OK.

Oh, oops. How did that happen?

I just realized that I am turning into something that I don't like. Thanks Moose for helping me understand. I am traveling down a road that ends in disaster. So I know what I need to do and I am doing it. I saw some things and I didn't like them. Maybe I don't know exactly what I want things to look like, but I sure as hell don't want them to end up with me staggering around with one eye shut. Clearly what I've been doing is not working, so it's high time to do something new. Whoo hoo. Things are looking up, or maybe for the first time, I am.

Power to the Drum Circle.

Today the we went to the beach, attempted to work and then started a drum circle using our mad dancing skills. I have always wondered who those people in Venice were that danced in the drum circle and today I was one of them. In fact I was the main one. The Kid says that it was all through the power of my "mean ass" but I think it was just because I was having fun and feeling confident. We started out listening to one big drum circle then we moved away to a smaller one on the beach where we were the only people dancing. Suddenly we were surrounded by about a hundred people playing drums and dancing. It was so much fun. The odd part was that it was the most fun I have had sober in a very long time. And here I thought all those hippies were high. In any case, now is the time to reinvent myself as Mystic Moon or something and have a secret identity on the Venice Boardwalk. As in, "There's Mystic Moon and her daughter Clover Blossom! They've come to dance their pain away and win us over with their moves. Hooray."
Hey, there are worse ways to spend a summer.

What I know For Sure or Oprah can shove it.

The fact of the matter is that I am a sucker. I am a sucker for creativity. I am a sucker for a good joke and I am a sucker for a guy who tells me I am perfect then proceeds to treat me like shit. Why oh why am I so predictable? In the face of another dreadful decision I am left alone on the living room floor to ponder my series of bad choices that I laughingly refer to as my life. Perhaps I shall be one of those women like Helen Fielding or Candace Bushnell who turn years of mistakes into millions of dollars. Or perhaps I will end up like the nameless faceless many, alone Saturday save for the cat. (Note to self: Do not under any circumstances buy a cat)
Safe to say, for now I am just a sucker.

Grey Gardens

I have seen the future kiddies and it is not bright. Is is a little scary that I can completely imagine us living in The Big House in Savannah like those Beales. Who will save us, mother?

Lame Ass or I'm an idiot, you decide.

I can't even write a post I'm so annoyed. Insecurity makes people do stupid things. That's it. It is definitely raining in my tiramisu.

oh yeah and- my patterns suck.

UPDATE- so one of my patterns is to get irrationally angry without really thinking through a situation. Tonight I did this. So I went and made a mess, and posted about it en plus. Then, post mess, it all got explained to me and I feel like an idiot. I remember saying before that patience is a virtue with which I am not blessed. Lo and behold, I just needed to be patient. It is now only misty in my tiramisu. I might just stay inside though.

The Worst Week Part Deux

I just discovered that my students did not perform as well as one would wish on a certain exam. I am completely devastated. Not only because I needed this to happen , given the dearth of positive things in my life as of late, but because we really need to do well this year if we want to continue to function as a school. It isn't that bad, it is just not what I wanted. I feel as if it reflects poorly on me as a leader and that bums me out. I try and try and I just want them to succeed, the teachers, the kids, everyone. I always look at myself before I look at any other factor in the equation, which I suppose is good, but also very bad. I am not responsible for the world! I need to remember that. Currently I am a basketcase of nerves and anticipation. If the children only knew how much I worried! Oh well. School is almost out and I can almost taste the summer. I can't wait to see my girls everyday and play in the sun. I can't stop too long to think about things or I might just crumble, so all I can do is remember to "beat on , like [a] boat against the current." The only thing I can think is "oy."