What? A year? And now you're married? Dayum.

I'm here! I'm married. To Mr. Matrix of all people. What? I know! I can't believe my crazy damn luck. I suppose I am now Mrs. Matrix. We have a dog and a brand new place to live and life is good.

Not much else to report. The crazy kids in South LA are still driving me insane, but I love them.
I will try to do this more often. Not that my musings are all that interesting, but hey, it's fun for me. And basketball will be back soon, so there's that to talk about.

bisous,

Supernana Matrix

Oh Goodness!

It's been a month! I have been so busy investigating a possible job change (I know-I say this all the time), beginning massive renovations on my place, and being in love and happy.

The new news is this- Mr, Matrix and I are having a good time. Hooray.

What is also happening is, this relationship stuff is hard! I love him dearly and I never quite realized that loving someone and being loved is hard work. My damn parents made it look so easy. Even when it was hard, it looked easy, So this is new for me. Admittedly, this is really my first real grown-up-we're-both-adults-and-equal relationship. I suppose that's why it hard.
It is a good a thing. I enjoy being present and aware of my actions. I also enjoy being honest and accountable. But there are moments when I wish I could go back to to my former self and be a brat. A selfish brat that can yell and scream and cry and make it all about me.

In these moments (particularly when they happen n IKEA), I take a breath and say, " Ok my love, I'll meet you in the car."

I now have the ability to know that all of the mean and selfish things I could say or do are not worth the hurt they will cause. They may give a moment of satisfaction, but they will never make things better.

And that my lovelies is what I am thankful for today. Perspective. Awareness. And above all, patience.
Enjoy the day and call your mother.

The Birthday Blues

once again, tomorrow is my birthday. And once again I've got the birthday blues.
I am grateful for things, i just can't tell what right now.
I'm going to a baby shower on my birthday. Then an all girl roller derby so that should be fun.

but why the blues?! damn.

October begins with. . .

Root canals and layoffs. That's all I got.
Well actually, I also have lovely friends, a crazy but fun and loving family. And a special guy that likes to wake up with me.
so the rest of it is just. . . .silly.

The storm cloud is on its way . . .

Sometime I don't know what to do other than love someone. A dear friend lost his mom two years ago today. I'm watching him like a movie: his pain, his isolation. I can feel sad for him;I am both removed and completely a part of the situation.

This is my first time grieving the loss of someone I've never met, someone whose absence is palpable in every conversation, every milestone, every look. (He smiles her smile-just like her!)

I can only hope than my own emotional ineptitude doesn't get in the way.

Sometime I don't know what to do other than love someone.

The Irony and the Agony

So I am going to reveal some personal information in the name of helping ladies everywhere. Recently I have been feeling really really not so good at all. I thought it was stress, with weddings and job changes etc., but it turns out that all of the crap I have been feeling, anxiety, fatigue, extreme dizziness, mood swings, and all around general crazy is from my birth control! I am writing this because i finally checked out some of my symptoms on the Internet and discovered that I am not crazy, and plenty of other women have felt theses same symptoms. So I am adding my voice to the fray, since you never know who will read this.

The funny part of all of this (and the crazy part too) is that my doctor recommended this particular pill called Loestrin 24, because I said I didn't want to gain weight. So for the last sixth months I have thought this pill was wonderful, all because I didn't gain weight. I stupidly chose to ignore the dizziness, anxiety, migraines etc, because yes, I was still skinny.

Sigh. It is amazing how we women ignore our bodies and instincts. Once I figured all of this out, I had a good laugh at my stupidity and once again was reminded that "life is one long lesson in humility." And to top it all of, this damn pill isn't even covered by my insurance. Essentially, I have been paying out of pocket to feel like crap. Silly, Supernana.

So ladies, pay attention to your bodies. If you don't feel good, it is not normal! And- don't be stupid, life is so much better when you're happy and perhaps(shocking!), a bigger size !

Here, There, Everywhere.

I have been all over. DC, Philly, Savannah, New York, and now home.
I have learned a few things:

1-AA's everywhere are the same and wonderful and will save your life no matter who you are or where you come from.

2-New families are amazing. When you find a family that takes you, claims you as there own, loves you and appreciates your love of their son and brother, you've found a place to call home. Then it's time to buy some furniture and give the cat a name.

3-Traveling in summer on the East Coast is stupid. I do not recommend it. However, traveling with a man who loves you, no matter where you are is the best. I highly recommend it.

4-Weddings are stressful. If I ever get married again, I'll call you and tell you how it was, then you can come over and have some coffee. No dress, no mess, just me, my man, and some good coffee.

5-Good friends are the best thing in the world. Friends who have known you since your wild kitten days prancing around Paris are priceless and should be valued above all things.

and finally, 6- You can never, ever, have too much shrimp.

What The HELL? Musings from a cafe in Venice Beach

So not only have I been in LALA land, I have also been cooking. I have made dinner every night this week and then some! Who the hell am I?
My sister in law says that I have tapped into some spiritual level of cooking and that I am clearly in a new place in my life. I suppose. I think that I have finally found a healthy way to express my love and concern for someone other than insane resentful self sacrifice and good martinis. All I know is, it gives me such joy to make food for my nerdy guy and watch him eat it.

So that's what I've been up to. I would show you pictures, but according to my mother, my meals haven't been plated properly.

Oh well. and Hey Felix- I made a berry pie. It was awful, but I had fun trying!

In other news, I am no longer a teacher, but a writer of curriculum and a dutiful cubicle drone. It's amazing. People get to work at 9:30! I am adjusting to this new life by eating breakfast and not getting up at 5:30 in the morning.
So that's it. I'm back to work which currently consists of reading the entire 6-8 curriculum in three days. Luckily, I am working from home, which currently means working from a cafe in Venice with an ocean view and my man (who, it must be noted, just pulled a pair of 3-D glasses inexplicably from his bag and is watching some 3-D film on his computer. Such a nerd!).
Life is good my angel-babies. Life is good.


PS-Oh and I almost forgot! I started this blog 4 years ago with a post about soccer, when the French were in the World Cup only to make it to the final and well. . .we all know what happened. I have to say this year was sad for Les Bleus. But it is time to rebuild and move on. As Zidane said, "Laurent Blanc will fix all of this." I can only hope that the man who helped me fall in love with soccer in 1998 and win the World Cup, the Euro etc. . .is right. So, le sigh, and here's to 2014!

Boyfriend LALALAND

I have, my dear friends, been in boyfriend lalaland for the past few weekends. You know how it goes, happiness, bliss, movies, breakfasts, and fun. So I haven't been writing. Not too much has happened.

I celebrated anniversary of 365 continuous days of sobriety. Which is cool. I don't write about it too often because I find addict talk kind of boring. And I didn't think I was going to make it to a year. Now, however, I am comfortable in my skin and pretty cool with the whole thing. This is just the way it is now. I will say however that it has been an amazing year. A year of change, introspection, and miracles. I think the best thing that sobriety has given me is the opportunity to influence my kid. She looked at me yesterday and said that I was an amazing woman and she was proud to be in my life. COME ONE! can it get any better?!
Otherwise, I am winding down the year with these crazy kids and ready to start my new job , which hopefully will not involve a classroom.

Otherwise not much to report.
Kiss kiss, love love!

In my head. . .

Why the Tower Could Not Reach the Moon

This weekend was a blur of parties. It started with prom.

Ah prom, on a boat, with 90 kids and my boss. Not exactly the ideal situation. And as usual, we didn't follow the rules and we let a bunch of kids go to prom who shouldn't have. Sigh.

The good part of the night however, was the crowning of prom king and queen. I spent a great deal of money I don't have on a damn tiara and crown so I was hoping it didn't go to some ungrateful couple. Fortunately the young lady who won Queen was so grateful, humble and amazing. She is not your "expected" prom queen. She is one of the very underprivileged kids at our school (we pretend we serve a much more economically disadvantaged group than we do), and she is overweight. She tends to hid behind being funny and silly. Everyone loves her and she is one of the most gracious young ladies I have ever taught. Early on prom day I drove her to her hair appointment actually. A friend of the school had donated her hair services for one lucky young woman. We all felt this young lady was the obvious choice.

Anyway, there is a lot of competition for these things, even at our little charter school. The girls had already gotten mean and catty about the campaigning.
Anyway when the Queen was announced our girl was so shocked and amazed. She cried and cried then danced like a crazy person with her date who won king. It's nice when kids do the right thing. Rare and amazing, and very nice.

Other than that, it was kind of lame. This class in general is ungrateful, mean, and all together boring. Suffice to say, I was more than happy to leave.

Upon arriving home, I discovered that my boyfriend had transformed my living room into our own prom. Through a series of conversations, I discovered that he had never gone to his prom and that we both loved the Enchantment Under the Sea theme from Back to the Future. Long story short, we had prom and it looked like that. Somehow he had rigged reflecting pools all over the living room and the place looked like a giant fish tank. AWESOME. Too bad I was so tired.

Saturday found us at a benefit for my best friend's non profit, which involved fake gambling (i lost), a band called The Booty Shakers, and all around good times. We also trekked across town to Hollywood for my little friend's birthday. And let me tell you, a party for a 23 year old in Hollywood is no fun. parking was 25 dollars, traffic sucked and Mr Matrix and I were not happy. But we managed to stay for 30 minutes take some photos and give the kids some helpful advice ("don't mix that! gross").

And today, we went to breakfast, walked the dog (I'm dogsitting), went to the Museum of Jurassic Technology, and saw the best baby in the world.
All in all, I feel loved and happy, despite having almost lost my car, being totally broke, and completely afraid of the future. Not too shabby.

Bad Ass Mama

Today is Mother's Day. I called and texted every mom I know to say awesome job, well done ladies. But my mom is not picking up the phone because she is off taking care of her mother in law and in general being awesome.
Everyone says their mom is the best, but my mother is better than the best. She is a broad, a bad ass mama, a friend, an honorary dude, a softie, a make you laugh until you cry girlfriend, everyone's favorite mom, and pretty much the best person around.

So Happy Mommy Day lady. I love you more than you'll ever know.

The jungle the jungle, the brother, the brother

Mr. Matrix met Brother #2 this week. He also met my lovely sister in law M., and my best friend LisaLi. It went well. Exceedingly well. Mr. Martix was able to geek out with my bro talking optics, video games and the joys of post production visual FX. awesome.

The ladies thought he had a great energy and was very funny. Li said that he reminded her of my ex-husband which made me laugh because I always make the joke that I married the first guy that wanted to talk to me. So in some ways, yes they are similar. They are both nice and smart and well, white guys. But the similarities end there. I will say that my ex husband is a nice guy and he still, ten years later, makes me laugh when we chat occasionally. So it's not a bad comparison at all.
Mr. Matrix is way better though. Or maybe I'm just a grown up now so I can appreciate the loveliness is a soft spoken calm dude. Either way my friends, this one seems like a keeper.

All in all, things are good. I like who I'm becoming.

One brother down two to go! And then. . . THE PARENTS! But I'm sure you'll hear about that on a certain somebody's blog. . .

And then she smiled . . .

I've been smiling the smile of a woman lost in happiness and light. Mr. Matrix, as it turns out, is kind of amazing. There have been dinners, dates, movies, and entire days devoted to reading the paper and having fun. Next up-meeting The Brothers.
That's all for now.

I'm so happy it's scary.

shhhhh, let's not jinx it.

The Best Pick Up Lines

So I was driving down the street the other day and I pulled over to the gas station to get some gas. I went inside to buy a water and on my way out, this guy came up to me and said, "Hey Baby." He told me I was pretty and I said thanks then walked away. Later on driving down the street, he rolled up next to me and asked for my number. I said no. Then he kept driving next to me. Finally as I was about to turn onto the freeway he says, "You know they say a good man is hard to find. You know what I say to that? I can't be everywhere!" He laughed, I laughed, and he drove away. And it was just another crazy day in LA.

In the rest of my world, I am currently dating a lovely young man. He's normal, stable, and very, very nice. The best part is that he's a complete nerd. And I mean this in the best way possible. Some of his unintentional lines that have made me smile for days. . .

"It's like there's a tear in the Matrix. I'm mean she' so great. And she's with me."

"I thought you were so far out of my league. It's like we are in different ecosystems, even!"

He's just a nice guy, looking for a nice girl. And let me tell you, it's much easier geeking out over nature documentaries than playing groupie in a miniskirt and heels waiting for your "date" to finish playing his show and consider talking to you.

This guy, Mr. Matrix, wants to talk to me, wants to spend time with me, and has no problem telling me. It's a nice change of pace for me. Recently he told me that on our first date he thought I was so beautiful that he couldn't look at me directly, like it was too overwhelming. Normally I hate when people tell me things like that. I don't do well with compliments and I tend to second guess people's motives.

But this time, curled up on a beanbag, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, with no make up at all, I believed him. And it felt amazing.
There is most certainly a tear in the Matrix. Shhhhhh.

Hello Monday.

Dear Monday,
I have decided to not face you with dread, a headache and cold sweats. Instead I will welcome you like a dear old friend who sometimes frustrates me.
Love, Me.

I woke up this morning and my first thought, my VERY FIRST THOUGHT, was of a failing student and how I would be able address her concerns today.
ugh, I am quite sure she is NOT thinking of me and how she can improve her grade.

Must find new job. I am desperately trying to get control over my mind and not let it take me bad places.
Sigh, another week begins, but at least I have more baking to look forward to. Hooray for pie!

I'm gonna tattoo that on my heart.

Sad, weird, day indeed.
Some sad things have occurred and I'm at a loss for words, but certainly not emotion. So, I did what I always do . . . go to the bookstore and get lost in someone else's thoughts.

I bought several books (including Nigella Lawson's How to be a Domestic Goddess) all non fiction, since that's what I'm into these days. I have been reading Tattoos on the Heart, by Father Greg Boyle. It is amazing and beautiful and has moved me to tears twice already.

I think it is very interesting that I picked up this book on Easter. More on that later. For now, I'll just pay the bills, read the books, and do what it is right in
front of me.

How to be awesome without being registered.

Today I went to Macy's and I bought a Kitchen Aid mixer! and some other stuff since I've decided to start baking. I've been cooking and I apologize for my lack of updates about that but I did make a pancetta and pasta dish as well as crab cakes, a yummy dessert, a vanilla cake and cupcakes.

But back to the baking. So I like baking because I can spend all day in the kitchen and focus on things that make sense (1/2 a cup of sugar, 1 cup of milk, pour into bowl) rather than all the things that don't make sense (men, the education system, the future of my career). In addition to the calming aspect of baking, I like the fact that I can give away the things I make. It's hard to cook well for one person, and I get tired of having to invite people over all the time. Besides, who wants to come over every night just to eat my new things?

In any case, this story started with a mixer, as I said, I went to the one day sale at Macy's (who knew I actually paid attention to things like that, but no matter) and bought a mixer as well as a tart pan, some mixing bowls, and a nice whisk. While I was at the counter, the lady working there said that I was sure to find a man now, "since so few women bake these days." She also pointed out that my good looks plus baking would guarantee a man who would have no reason to leave. We had a good laugh about that. While we were laughing, some other Macy's employees came over to see what the fuss was about. One of the guys saw my mixer and asked, "Oh did you register for the other one and trade it in for this?"

I just looked at him and said, "No I'm not married. I just wanted a mixer."
He seemed shocked. I laughed and carried my big ass mixer home by myself and made a bad-ass cheesecake, that I think I might just eat . .In my house, by myself, in my pajamas, with a big grin and some strawberries.
Oh and isn't my living room lovely?

Gay husbands and communion wafers.

So I went to church this morning. As a favor to a dear dear friend. It was fun. There were a few things that gave me pause however.

1: The Communion wine and wafers were passed out in a prepackaged bundle. Imagine if you will, one of those half and half containers you get a diners, instead filled with wine and with a communion wafer wrapped in plastic on the top. I suppose it saves time but really, what happened to the ceremony?

2: The focus on financial benefits from loving God kinda put me off. One Deacon did a dance after explaining how he sold his house for half a million dollars. The upside of this declaration was that he danced like James Brown in The Blues Brothers. I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud!

Other than that, I sat for three (yes three) hours and listened to the singing and watched the dancing.

Also this weekend, my estranged gay husband returned from the East. This is a man that I met in the fall of 1999 on Sunday morning in Paris. He has, since that day, been the best relationship I've ever had with a man. It helps that he's so pretty and wonderful and we can shop together. Anyway, he and his new boyfriend, the blue-blooded Ty from Boston, came to visit me in LA. We ran around and I gave them an LA history tour. I spent the entire day with them yesterday and I can't wait for them to come back. We talked about them moving out here and us having a glorious life living on the Venice canals and raising a baby together. I hope they come. Spending time with them felt like coming back to family.

All in all a wonderful LA weekend.
Now it is time for work, the Oscars, and maybe some cheesecake! Next week we will discuss whether or not my parents should arrange a marriage for me. It sounds pretty tempting. Oh yeah and I was unceremoniously told that i wasn't right for the guy I went on the date with a few weeks ago. Mostly because although he "didn't mind going slowly" he didn't want to go "slowly [my] way." And after three weeks he thought it odd that I didn't want him to come over and cook dinner while I worked.
What the hell happened to dating. If I wanted dinner and work, I would have stayed married. Oh well.

PS. I love being single, so take that date guy.

Maybe this time. . .

This is how I feel, although I'm not talking about a man, i'm talking about my apartment. It is the nicest place ever. I had a crew of people who love me helping out this weekend and the move was easy, fun and pretty much the best move ever.

I feel great. I feel like the moment I've been waiting for since "starting over" and starting to blog again is happening. Things seem to have fallen into place.
Now maybe this time, I'll make sure to keep my place special and sacred and not let in just anybody.
Next up, cooking, I promise.