5 am call to Mama

Couldn't sleep this morning so I called Mama and we talked for two hours as I drove around a dark, deserted Los Angeles in search of coffee and The NY Times. It was lovely. There a few times in life when you know, really know, that you were born into the right family at the right time. I've always felt that maybe things would have been easier if I had been a boy, or the oldest, or even in the middle. But this morning it felt just right. Who else can you call at 5am in the morning and gossip about the mayor of Los Angeles, insane marriage proposals, books, and the difference between Peet's Coffee and Starbucks? Would anyone care except your mother?
I'm reading this book right now about teenage girls and man, is it insightful! It is just amazing how much women change during those years. I told Mama that we should have read this book years ago, if for no other reason than to know we were not alone. It's nobody's fault, and everyone's fault all at the same time. And isn't that glorious?

And the down side is:

Just talked to one of my numerous doctors and now it seems that my new problem in potential infertility. What The hell people? I just barely decided I wanted kids and now this? It seems I have to be an underfed starlet or just out of rehab in order to have a baby. Of course now that I have babies on the brain I'm seeing them everywhere. This morning I took myself out to breakfast and this little boy waved at me from across the aisle and then came and sat with me. I met his parents, a lovely lesbian couple, who had also just adopted a little girl from China. Then I got in my car and cried.
It’s really quite strange how you turn into a cliché without even realizing it.
The good news is that I'm definitely doing beautifully at work. School has been fantastic this year, despite having a rather inept new principal and few crazy teachers. I started a leadership program for the seniors and I think that might to go really well. It's amazing how the kids respond when you just give them what they need. Why is this so hard for people in our government to understand?

Oh My! 2007-What a year.

Well! As my dear Big Brother pointed out, it has been quite a year for all of us in LPC's family. The news as of today: I have to have surgery tomorrow, Mom broke her foot, and Grandma got in to a car accident that involved, running a red light, hitting another car, and somehow taking out two innocent gas pumps. She's Ok but the gas pumps won't see another day. Pretty crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I have just returned from yet another doctor who gave me all sorts of goodies to hopefully combat my blues. Apparently it's not bad to be on "anti-depressants" Although I hate that word. I call them SSRI's because that sounds not as crazy. Anyway, we'll see.
Ta ta for now.

LPC

Later:

Surgery went well. I’m very sleepy. Trying to read. Too exhausted even for that. Argh.

Depressed?

So my friend Melissa says I'm depressed. I don't even know what that means. I did finally clean the house though. My roommate has gone to Vegas for the weekend. Mr. Sailordude is doing his usual disappearing act post bachelor party. He seems to be hemming and hawing again about doing this thing. Argh. I feel like I've lost everyone. Which is why she thinks I'm depressed. When I look logically at things though, I have lost everyone. Now I exist in a constant state of fear that everyone else is going to leave me, or turn against me. Natural paranoia given the events of the past? Beginning of mental disorder? Needles drama created by over active imagination? Who can tell?
More later.

The Deep Blue

Well ladies and gents, your dear LPC, has indeed got the blues. And she's got them bad. It's awful. I feel terribly exposed. Odd that I'm writing that on a very public blog but, whatever. Anyway, I'm a little confused. I just not sure what end is up these days. The only thing that seems to make sense is work, which is pretty scary given that I work with teenagers. I'm also annoyed with myself because I seem to be reacting to a lot of negative stuff with even more negativity. Whenever I want to control things I revert to really terrifying behavior. I know intellectually that my behavior is destructive and wrong. On top of that, I know it will make me feel terrible, but there is something inside me that can't stop when I'm faced with certain things. Weird. It's as if my mind and body have this bizarre Pavlovian response. Ugh.

Everything is different

That's it. Life is unexpected. Yet, at the same time, totally expected.

Who knows?

Woo-hoo it's September! I am looking forward to the school year, mostly so I can get out of my house, which has currently turned into a sauna. We are in the middle of a "heat wave." Which is just a euphemism for global warming, and the universe saying, "Fuck you LA for your big gas guzzling cars and bottled water!"
In other news, I'm excited to teach some new classes this year. I'm also a big bucket of anxiety. Change is good and needed but gad damn it still scares me. I was on the phone recently with a young friend, and he was freaking out about uncertainty and not being able to control life. In the moment I felt that I could advise him, and that I knew better than to worry about being able to control the unknown. However, today when I am faced with my own uncertainty I am crippled by anxiety. Where does it come from? How do I stop it? Sometimes I feel as If I am forever going to be crushed by my own fear.
I don't know, maybe it's just PMS. . .
More later.